The Waiting Game

I’ve been feeling uninspired to write because I’m not losing any weight, but this is all a part of this journey I guess. Losing weight is not like people see on the Biggest Loser where week after week the pounds keep flowing off in double digit numbers.

I’ve been finding myself thinking; am I destined to be FAT? Weight loss can be rewarding but weight loss also sucks. I have gone from hitting weight loss happiness each week as the number on the scale keeps its downward spiral to stuck on a weight loss plateau as the STUPID scale doesn’t even budge a tenth of a pound. Doesn’t the scale understand that I have changed my workout routine and food intake and should start moving again? Duh, hello respond you stupid scale. My husband often will hear me Saturday morning yelling profanities at the scale and calmly reminds me that it is an inanimate object, it really can’t hear me. Oh gee, thanks hun – because swearing at the scale was really making me feel better.

The most common answer I can find from my trust resource (Google) is to continue doing what I’m doing and wait it out. Seriously?!? Patience has never been a strong characteristic of mine. I was the kid on a mission every Christmas season to see where and what my presents would be. My parents eventually hid them at my grandparents’ house because I was that bad. The longer I wait for the damn scale the further that date where I hit my goal weight and when I truly become a former fat girl moves into the summer.  I suppose this is where I am truly tested because it is easy to think okay I’m done now. I’ll just have to stick to my current weight because clearly I cannot lose any more. BUT that would not be so great since I am technically still obese. I want to continue to fight for a healthier life and if that means waiting it out while my body adjusts then I guess I will have to do that. My trusty resources also said get tested by a doctor for thyroid issues. Yup, thanks. Had that done my thyroid is perfect so I’m fat because I chose to be fat not because of my damn thyroid.

Bottom line this waiting stuff sucks.  

I’ve been having a lot of fat girl freak-outs too. Just today I went into a sporting goods store looking for a knee brace. There was an athletic looking man perusing through the boxing goods. I panicked the braces were right next to him; would he see me and think “Oh yeah fat girl see if you can fit your chubby thigh into one of those” or was he thinking “What the heck is this fat girl doing in a sporting goods store she could not possibly work out!” I swear fat people are hard enough on themselves without having others point it out. Maybe it was worse today because I’m not in the right frame of mind to begin with (UGH, stupid plateau) or maybe that is just something that will go away with time. I have fat girl freak-outs when I try a new workout too. I recently signed up at the new gym and want to tell the instructors; “You think I am fat now you should have seen me before.” I constantly feel like I need to justify that while yes I am fat I am working on it and I used to be much fatter. In classes I think everyone is going to look at me and know I’m just another fat person trying to lose weight. Hmmm. Why is that so bad? I am another fat person trying to lose weight and I am not just trying I am losing weight.

I guess it is I important for me to remember that this is not about fast or rapid weight loss. These pounds I’m losing are staying gone for good! So while I would have loved to reach my goal weight by spring if it happens in summer or next fall it is still going to feel amazing.

What is PB2?

I mentioned this product in my blog for my Chocolate Banana Peanut butter smoothies so I figured I would share a little bit about what it is.

Here is an excerpt from their website:

“Peanut butter has always been a staple for the health conscious and physically active. But even peanut butter can be improved. PB2 reduces fat through a chemical-free process. Like all Bell Plantation products, PB2 and Chocolate PB2 are all natural, preservative free, and contain no artificial sweeteners. And that makes them a sweet alternative for active lifestyles, dieters, and moms who want healthy snacks for their kids.”

Here is the website to purchase the PB2:
http://www.bellplantation.com/

Check them out, I have come to love them!!

What’s for Breakfast?

There is no love sincerer than the love of food.

-George Bernard Show, Man and Superman

 

I’ve been getting a lot of questions about food. I spend a lot of time talking about new workouts and what is going on in the gym; however, I spend a majority of my time outside of the gym. Working out is so important but if I leave and eat high-fat, sugary, and highly processed foods what I do in the gym will not matter. So finally here is my food post… recipes, staples in my kitchen, and things I try to avoid!

When food shopping I pack my cart full of veggies, lean meats, and dairy products. It is true that when you go food shopping if you stick to the perimeter of the store you will find everything you need. There is nothing you really need down the aisles besides cleaning products and paper goods. I do still venture down the aisles but I pay closer attention to the nutritional facts.

I’ll start withsnacks since they have been the hardest for me to master.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to research and find low calorie, non-processed, healthy grab and go snacks. What I have come to learn that in order to have low calorie, non-processed, healthy grab and go snacks you have to make them yourself. There is no quick snack at a gas station or convenience store that fits those three criteria; however, I will post later what I would grab at those places if there were no other options… because life happens and we can’t always pull out baggies with prepared “safe foods”.

Here are some go to snacks for me:

100 Calories or Under

• Sliced yellow and orange pepper – There are approximately 50 calories depending on size in each whole pepper.
• Cottage Cheese – I get the individual packs from Breakstone’s that are 90 calories. I pay a little more for the grab and go convenience. Since I prep a lot of other foods liked veggies these work for me since they are one less thing I have to measure and divvy up.
• 15 cherry tomatoes and 2 mini cucumbers
• Almonds – I buy the unsalted 100 calorie packs – again one less snack I have to divvy up if I spend a little more to buy to already portioned snack packs.

150 Calories or Under

• Granny Smith Apple and 1 Laughing Cow Blue Cheese Wedge – With 90 calories for the apple and 35 for wedge this snack is filling and only adds up to 105 calories
• Celery Sticks topped with Laughing Cow Swiss Cheese & Pomegranate seeds. The calorie count will depend on how much of each you use but if you only use ½ cup pomegranate seeds (80calories) and one wedge (35 calories) with the celery sticks this snack will only be approximately 135 calories and give you a lot to munch on.
• Frozen bananas – I slice 4 or 5 bananas up and freeze them. I use them in smoothies but they are also great by themselves as a snack. I usually use medium bananas and they are 105 calories for one.

Breakfast has been an easy meal for me to convert from high calorie to a protein packed low calorie option. Here are some of my go-to breakfast options.

Egg White Wrap

Egg Whites – 90 Calories

Light Shredded Cheddar Cheese -70 Calories

Turkey Sausage – 70 Calories (Pre-cooked, I typically de-case them and cook the meat before the work week beings)

Hot Peppers – 10 Calories

Fiber One Wrap – 80 Calories

Salsa – 15 Calories

½ Grapefruit – 50 Calories

Total Calorie Count: 385 Calories

 

Chocolate Banana Peanut Butter Smoothie

1 scoop chocolate protein powder ­– 100 Calories

1 Frozen banana – 105 Calories

2 tablespoons PB2 powered peanut butter – 45 Calories

1 cup unsweetened almond milk – 60 Calories

Total Calorie Count: 310 Calories

 

Protein Pancakes

1 scoop vanilla protein powder – 100 Calories

1 cup plain oats – 300 Calories

½ cup skim milk – 50 Calories

1 tablespoon cinnamon – 12 Calories

2 Egg white – 34 Calories

Total Calorie Count: 496 Calories

Per serving the calorie count is 165, I usually eat three medium size pancakes for a serving

*I usually add blueberries to mine also

Lunch and dinner recipes are taking a little longer to gather up but they will be up soon.

Move it Scale.

I’ve been absent from the blog but not absent the battle of the bulge!

I’ve been hold steady at 90lbs lost. The more pounds shed the harder it is to hit “big numbers” each week. It does get old putting in the same if not more effort into it and not seeing the scale move. It is not all about the scale (I am very aware of that) but it still stinks sometimes.

• Regardless of the scale I am noticing more changes in clothing – which is always welcomed! I purchased two pants size 12! At my biggest I was wearing size 24/26 – so 12 was never even in the picture!
• I’ve also shaved a whole bunch of time of my 5K time. In August I ran a 5k in 33min 13sec I ran another 5k last week and my time was 28min 14sec. While that scale might not be moving things are definably still heading in the positive. 
• I’ve started kick boxing classes. Hello “jello arms and legs” but it is a great hour of fat blasting!

We shall see what this week brings (I weigh in Saturday mornings) but regardless of the number I know things are still happening!

Hello Fashion

Yesterday’s blog got somewhat serious and while that is needed occasionally, today I wanted to focus on some fun topics.

• Non-scale accomplishment alert! Last weekend a friend of the family was visiting a construction site of my fathers. They were talking specs and my dad was showing him around the new home. I had not seen him in years. When he first entered the house, he said hello to my mom but did not acknowledge me at all. It was weird… I did not say anything either. Finally, he asked my dad to see to upstairs so up they went. When they came down, he had a beaming smile and said “Jen I didn’t even know that was you. I cannot believe how amazing you look. I had to ask your dad upstairs who you were.” It was amazing… totally still smiling thinking about it! Could I really look like a completely new person – it is evident by my last post I feel like one now people are really seeing it! Crap… that is cool.
• Clothes. Clothes. Clothes. I used to hate you but now I am seeing you were not the problem all along, I was! Fat fashion comes in two styles: all black or animal print. Seriously I am not joking go to the fat section next time you are shopping. Clearly fat people are either going to a funeral or on a safari – that is how I felt every time I went shopping.

On a side note every time I went shopping for fat clothes I would, get so pissed at the manufacturers because next to the size of the clothing a “w” is stitched in. Recently I told my mom I do not understand why they have to put the “w” next to the number I already know I am wide. My mom laughed… the “w” stands for women not wide. My b.

• I love all these clothes options. I have never worn belts before because let me be honest when you are extremely heavy the last thing you want to be doing is taking a tiny piece of fabric and cut your fat in half. My pants were so tight they were not going anywhere anyways. Now I actually need belts to hold my pants up, is this what all you healthy people have been doing all along?
• Prices. Fat people pay more. Next time you check out when you are shopping for clothes online drag your mouse all the way to wide section (it will always be the wide section to me). Most of the time companies add on between 4.00 and 6.00 for fat fashion. I get the clothes have more fabric so the cost to make them is a few dollars more but I never got over the sting of having to pay more for my funeral and safari attire.

Still working on my favorite foods – will post them soon!

What you can’t see.

I am happy to report in that I have officially lost 90lbs as of this morning! I am so happy to have finally hit 90lbs because those last ten pounds were hard. I hit a plateau right after hitting 80lbs lost on 7/29/2012. I went back up and then fought to get back down to 80lbs. I am trying my best to stay focused and on track right now because I want to blow through this next 10lbs and hit 100lbs by Christmas. I’m feeling refocused and much better about where I am right now when it comes to my weight loss journey.

I hope everyone is doing okay after Sandy. I refused to let that be a reason why I did not work out. Monday both the gyms I use closed, fortunately for me my parents have a small gym in the basement and a generator. I got my butt down there and did a 30 minute circuit, burned 150 calories, which for me is not a lot but better than nothing. Tuesday and yesterday, were good workout days and included two trips to planet fitness and a spin class. Tuesday night while I was at the gym I noticed a girl about my age that appeared to be in the very beginning stages of her weight loss journey. My mom asked me last night if the girl asked for advice what I would say to her. It got me thinking… maybe I would say something like this:

Be proud of yourself for choosing to be healthy and making better choices. So your fat… don’t beat yourself up over it BUT don’t live the rest of your life that way because you deserve better. Whatever you do, do not give up. Losing weight will suck, it will be hard, and you will have to commit everything you have to it. You will have to commit to yourself. Do not do this for anyone else but you. It will get better and you will learn so much about yourself. Whatever you do just stick with it no matter how hard it gets. I’m such a sap because I’m tearing up thinking about this because I know firsthand how much it sucks to be that big and only have yourself to blame. It sucks – but it can be changed.

After my mom and I got talking, she told me that when I was at my largest it was so hard for her and my dad to watch. I was a mess. My life was a mess. I was depressed, anxious about everything, and hated myself. My life was all about negativity and trying to hide it — obviously, I did not do a good job! My mom said it was so hard to watch and for awhile she never thought I would change because I was in such a bad place.

I hated myself and with that came hating my life. I went to doctors telling them I was so depressed and needed help. Without even stopping to talk, they would write me a script for some anti-depressant or anxiety medication. THAT WAS NOT WHO I WAS MEANT TO BE.

Gosh, it is gross thinking about who I was. I feel so far away from that place even though it was not long ago. I look at pictures of myself and feel like I am looking at someone else. I honestly do not know that person. I am a different person. It sounds cliché and sappy but it is true. My life is so different now. The core of who I am has changed because my life is no longer consumed by the hate and negativity that came with all those extra pounds.

I am happy. I try to approach each situation in my life with positivity. I like who I am and who I am becoming. I love my life and the people in it. Please do not get me wrong… bad days still come but I am able to handle them much better. My life is not about trying to hide the negativity now it is about trying to share the positivity. I still stress, get upset, and have days that need to end ASAP but they do not last long anymore and are few and far between.

I want to go up to that girl in the gym and say this is so much more than losing weight.

I am changing my life and not just physically.

Changing things up!

I’m already slacking… but at least it is only with the blog and not with the “battle of the bulge”.

One thing I learned over the past few weeks is that what I am doing is working for me and I need to stick to that. I tried small group personal training which started to get too competitive between teams, I didn’t care for someone else recording my weight (can we say weight watchers?), and I felt like I was moving backward not forward. The workouts were intense and exactly what I was looking for but all the other stuff was too hard for me to block out. I track my weight BUT that is not what is most important to me… being healthy is. Weight Watchers never worked for me before because it became more about beating the scale and I felt like all of a sudden I was back to that place. I would have anxiety if I knew the scale would not report at least a 2 pound loss. Most of the stress I was experiencing was self-inflicted but still as the six week session moved forward I could not help but focus on the number. I decided not to sign up for another session because clearly it was not working for me. I’ve recently changed up my exercise so it is taking me a little while to get used to my new routine. I am taking spin classes (2x week) in the morning then heading back to the gym after dinner for some cardio and weight training. This new combo seems to be working well for me and more importantly I’m not stressed out over the scale anymore. I’ve learned that this “journey” as I am calling it is about me and only me. There will be many people that will help, hurt, and just plain not understand but in the end this is my journey. I’m the one who got fat, I’m the only who let myself get that unhealthy… now I need to be the one to get myself healthy.

To help stay focused during the upcoming holiday season I’ve signed up for two 5k’s. Running is something I’ve never really done because well… obese people do not run. Well this girl does and I really like it. I’ve only ever done two road races a 5k and a half marathon. I know what you are thinking… a half marathon?!?! Yup! I got my obese butt out on the track with the elite runners and ran my little heart out. Did you know that 13.1 miles is a pretty long freaking way to run/jog? The only times I walked came at the water stations because I am definitely not coordinated enough to run and drink water at the same time. I tried once and nearly choked myself… it’s much safer for me and anyone near me if I just walk. I’m scaling down and trying some more 5k’s for now… although I do have another half I’m keeping my eye on!

What’s Skinny? No DIET & Never say NEVER!

Three things for today:

Skinny. Me. No Way.

People please stop referring to me being on a diet. I’m not. I’m eating healthy and cleaner – DUH!

Should you really never say never?

1. Skinny & me? Pshhhhh no way.

Last night I visited my favorite little girl who is eight. Things in her eyes are so simple. It’s black or white, tall or short, empty or full and fat or skinny. Well yesterday afternoon her first response after seeing me was, “Wow you are skinny I didn’t even recognize you.” I have always been her fat, funny aunt. Not skinny. It was pretty awesome – then I remembered that I’m still technically obese. I’m still not just overweight I’m still freaking obese after losing 88lbs. I was hoping I would move into the next fat category but NOPE I’m still in the super fat range, at least I’m at the bottom of the super fat range. That’s reassuring (HA!) Hello world I’m no longer extremely fat… just super fat, soon I hope to become just plain overweight. I even confirmed it on three different BMI calculators – would you believe they all report the same thing? However, I did relish in that moment when my “little love” looked up at me and said “wow you are skinny” totally melted my heart.

2. NO I’M NOT ON A DIET! – I’m screaming this here — well not really but I’d like to every time someone says “Oh. You are on a diet? Which one?”

So because I chose to not eat all of my three meals at fast food joints and eat tons of foods high in sugar, fat, and calories I must be on a diet right? Well I’m not – this isn’t about jumping on the newest fad diet for me. This is a lifestyle change. A permanent lifestyle change. I’ve tried the fads (well some) and they don’t work, I’m starving or binge right after and end up gaining more weight. I am choosing a healthy lifestyle for myself and I will do my best to maintain that for the rest of my life. Do I still eat Cookies? Cake? Brownies? Pizza? Yes just not like I used to or I try to make a healthier alternative. I’m not perfect but I’m not trying to be, I just want to be healthier. So please stop asking me if I’m not a diet – last night I had two dove dark chocolates… what diet plan are those on? None! That’s right because I’m NOT ON A DIET!!

3. Never Say Never

Okay this one I’ve been holding on to for a while and thanks to “A” I have a place to put it besides thinking about all the time. After I had lost about 50lbs I was out with a friend and casually mentioned “I’m never going back” my friend responded with “Never say Never”. I wanted to reply with “What? You are crazy. I am never going back to that, EVER!” I simply replied with “You are right, you never know what could happen” then changed the topic. I think about this a lot. Can you really say NEVER and be 100% sure that what you are talking about will NEVER happen again? I think it depends on the subject. Certain things in life are controlled by outside influences take work for example. You really can’t say I’ll never be fired if you work for someone else, because you can’t control what they do. BUT the only person responsible for me going back to over 300lbs (still not ready to give out exact figures but YES I was over 300lbs) is me. I can’t control what will happen every day but I can control what choices I make about food and fitness. I buy my own food, I pick my own food out when I’m out to eat, I control when I go and don’t go the gym. That’s all me. Which really sucked when I first started because when I first stepped on the scale and saw that first number was a three – I only had myself to blame. If I ever find myself there again – it is because of my choices. So what the hell I’m going out on a limb and saying I’m NEVER going back to 300lbs. I don’t want to be that person again, EVER.

I’m gathering my favorite recipes that have become staples in my home over the past year and will post them this weekend.

And… thank you for all your support. Some people I don’t even know have reached out. It’s incredible and overwhelming. I appreciate it – A LOT!

Year 1 DONE!

This was after the first year. I had lost 80lbs when the picture to the left was taken.

Year two of the transformation begins.

I’ve always thought that blogging was too trendy for me but I’ve been inspired by my friend whom for this blog I’ve dubbed “A” (super creative I know, I said this whole blogging thing was new). A told me I had something worth writing about, something that other people might be interested in but still I just wasn’t sure. After reading the novel DietGirl I had a sudden urge and a light bulb went off, who cares if no one is even interested how cool would it be to read this myself years later, months later, days later when I need to remind myself why this is worth it. Why I am worth it.

So what have I’ve done that so blog worthy, this part goes back to A. A keeps making me feel that what I’m right smack in the middle of is great and inspiring, I’m losing weight. In every text, email, or conversation with A she keeps telling me to write about it and using words like inspirational. I’ve never considered myself inspirational I’ve always felt like a fat embarrassment. How could A call me inspirational? A has been a solid part of my “cheering squad” who I’ll name later once I can come up with creative code names. A is always someone who I can talk to about a new fitness regimen and healthy recipe without feeling like a fat imposter talking about skinny only topics. A was the first person outside of my husband and parents who I told just how fat I was when I started. She didn’t judge just couldn’t believe all that fat fit on me, I guess looking back I couldn’t either.

My stomach is turning thinking about putting the number here and then sharing my new blog (how trendy does that sound) with my friends. Hiding it won’t help either because my plan is to never go back to where I was. Do I need to post my weight? My fear is people will be so grossed out by me that I let myself get that fat. I just don’t think I’m ready to put that number down on my virtual paper yet.

So thanks A for getting me to write down the second half of my adventure.

The first half of my journey started after Columbus Day weekend 2011 on a family trip to Nantucket. I went with my parents, husband, brother, and brothers girl friend. Even as a extreme fat girl I still loved pictures (taking them and being in them, but I knew all the tricks to hide half my body) apparently I forgot my tricks that weekend because once we returned I was sick looking at my pictures. Could my face really look like a ballon with eyes, nose, and mouth stuck on it? Could I really be exploding out of my size 2x/3x clothing? Did I really look like that? I did.

When we got home I bought a scale and started counting my calories. I adjusted my schedule to include exercise and ate less. It really was that simple and have lost 84.4lbs since. I added aerobic and strength classes to my workout routine and kept steady at the gym.

So here goes and I’m bringing you along for the journey because A said you would love this. If I bore you it’s all A’s fault.